"I'll take 'Things That Get Underpaid People Fired for $300, Alex'"

Or, as my... uh... only reader so far... pointed out...

"I'll take, 'Pranks played by somebody that rock for a thousand!'"

Priceless.

On the other hand... this was Adam Everett. This is the only time he'll be on camera all season. Seriously. He could hit the walk-off homer to win the World Series and still not get camera time.

Are we still in America?

I know this is supposed to be about Idaho and Utah sports, but something came across the wire today that absolutely irked me.

The LPGA is forcing all its players to know English by the end of next year.

Golf Magazine Senior Editor Michael Walker wrote an editorial about this which pretty much sums up my thoughts: check that out here.

Here's my thing -- this is not, as one clueless tournament director said in the first article, an American tour. It's the "Ladies Professional Golf Association," not "Ladies Professional Golf of America." Its best two players over the past few years, Annika Sorenstam and Lorena Ochoa, are not American. Walker uses the exact stats in his column, but something like half of the top players are east Asian.

Two of the tour's four major events are played outside of the US, in France and Great Britain (and while English is spoken in the latter of the two, it ain't the same kind we speak over here). More than half of its players are from a country other than America. So why don't we force every single person on the tour to know all languages?

Sure, the point is for players to be able to better interact with sponsors and playing partners at pro-am tours. So, we going to force the sponsors of the tournament in Paris to get with the program? Tell the CEO of Evian that he can't play unless he can understand every word of Will Ferrell's ESPY acceptance speech on behalf of Tiger Woods? Yeah, right.

This is still America, right? Last I checked, we don't have a national language. We're supposed to be a melting pot where people from different cultures can come together and co-exist peacefully. These golfers aren't even trying to become American citizens -- they just want to ply their trade here, among other countries. Its ridiculous to force them to conform to an arbitrary standard just because we can.

What in the... is this? And who in the... are you?

My name is Mitch Worthington. For four years, I worked as a sports writer and Sports Editor at the Idaho Falls Post Register, the largest-circulation paper in eastern Idaho and the second largest in the state besides the Idaho Statesman in Boise. I also worked at a couple of newspapers in Texas. Over seven years, I won a bunch of awards from state, regional and national press associations for everything from football game stories to 40-inch features about near-death comebacks to breaking news about sexual harassment involving a high school coach.

I've left that business now, and I'm finding I don't miss it much. The only thing I really wish I could still do is write columns. Sure, I loved covering games. I enjoyed chatting with the athletes, and I dug the adrenaline rush that came with filing stories on deadline. But to me, life is about so much more than what happened and how it happened -- it's about how it affects people, how it alters your view of the world, how it changes the way you live your life.

So, now that I'm back in a place and immersed in a sports scene I feel like I know as well as, if not better than, anyone, I'm gonna talk about it. Anything sports-related in Idaho and northern Utah is fair game -- from Utah Jazz basketball and BYU and Idaho State football all the way down to high school soccer, and anything in the middle. It'll be informative, but it will also be irreverent at times. Since I'm no longer affiliated with any specific news organization on a full-time basis, I can be opinionated, critical and homer-ish, all at the same time if I want.

At the very least, it should be a fun ride.

God help me.. but I might like soccer.

If you know me at all, you know this -- I don't like soccer.

If you don't know me at all... well, count your lucky stars. Then, know this -- I don't like soccer.

Just in case that was a bit fuzzy, let me clarify: I would rather be sentenced to a lifetime of front-row seats at Backstreet Boys concerts than watch soccer. I would rather mix up liver, asparagus, cherries, tofu and spoiled milk in a blender and chug it like it's a Miller Lite than watch soccer. I would rather vote for George W. Bush than watch soccer.

OK... maybe that third one was pushing it. But I'll assume you get my point.

My biggest problem with soccer is ... nothing. Nothing happens. They run back and forth, up and down a field for 90 minutes, sometimes more, and it's perfectly acceptable for both teams to leave the field without settling anything. Tell me another sport where neither team can score, but after a certain amount of time elapses, everyone just gets together and says.. "Yeah, let's just call it good." You can't. It's not out there.

Aaron Sorkin summed it up best in an episode of his sitcom SportsNight:

"We'll bring you the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat and, because we've got soccer highlights, the sheer pointlessness of a 0-0 tie."

So, with that in mind, let me stand up and make my confession: My name is Mitch Worthington, and I might like soccer.

Of course, it would make sense that, due to my acute disdain for the sport, I've been afforded many, many opportunities to watch it. I covered high school sports for seven years and probably watched 100 soccer games or more. I've seen several dozen college games. I watched Real Salt Lake play Real Madrid. None of it changed my mind.

The game I watched Friday did. At least a little bit.

It wasn't an Olympic match or an ESPN Classic replay of a World Cup final. It was a college soccer match between Idaho State and Utah State.

For those who don't know, I work as a graduate assistant in the Idaho State Sports Information department. There are many duties associated with my job, but on Friday, it sent me to the press box for an ISU soccer match, where I ran the scoreboard.

For the first 20 minutes, Idaho State looked... well... I guess bored is the best word to describe it. Utah State controlled possession and looked a little bit like a varsity team playing somebody's JV squad. ISU eventually got itself together and tied the game in the second half.

This led to overtime, where I fully expected no one to score. Ties in any sporting event are a lot like kissing your sister, and Idaho State had a whole bunch of tie games last year. That's just too much borderline-incestuous behavior for my tastes, but I expected I would be seeing more of it Friday.

Utah State thought not, and nearly scored twice in the first overtime. They had a few other decent chances in the second overtime, but in the end, Idaho State waited until the last second -- or, more accurately, the 16th-to-last second -- to avoid an overtime tie. Ashley Askwig, a freshman playing her first real college soccer match, picked up a loose ball, saw that Utah State's goalkeeper was laying behind her, and calmly scored the game-winner. All that happened because Alex Hansen basically flung herself at the ball and into a mass of humanity, forcing the keeper to dive for the ball.

I actually felt vindicated. Not because it was ISU's goal and match, although I do support the school I attend and work at. I think I'd have felt the same if Utah State had won in overtime. Overtime ties suck. Games that go into overtime but have a clear winner, do not. Games that go into overtime and lull me into thinking they're going to be ties before shocking me in the final 20 seconds -- very much do not suck.

So, maybe I'm not a real soccer fan -- just a fan of soccer games that have exciting finishes.